EASTER 2005
Easter is such a wonderful celebration. Its just so powerful to think how much God loves us. I think of the movie, passion of the Christ, and I can't believe the sacrifice that was made by Jesus to fullfill the prophesy of our salvation. I often feel the price of freedom is too high. Why does suffering seem to be a prerequisit to our spiritual and physical freedom. God said "it is done", all is given to us. Then why do we sometimes have such a hard time receiving it? Why doesn't all that is good just shower us all the time? I want that in my life, I want it desparately. I want MY miracles! Yet it seems the harder I try, the more obstacles get in my way. I have truely come to believe that the closer I get to God, the harder Satan trys to interfere. I believe that the forces of good and evil are very strong in todays world. That is why there is only one solution....We MUST STAY FOCUSED ON THE CROSS and what that truely means. Jesus has already paid the price for our sins and there is NOTHING that should keep us away from God. God has given us Authority of all things through Jesus Christ.
I had visions of a wonderful spiritual Easter event, but like Christmas, it became like pulling a tooth to try to pull it off. My sister had come up with this moving idea that we would have an outside ceremony/sermon down by the lake. It seems she found the large chain that she removed from our barn so that we would never have to see it again. We were going to throw it in the lake to show satan that he has no holds on us and to symbolize that it is the Easter celebration that "lifts the chains that bind us". But the weather foiled our outdoor plans. Our ceremony came down to a single prayer that I said before we ate. I will share that here....
Dear Lord, we come to you today to say Thank You for the great sacrifice you made for us. Your son, tortured and bleeding, died on the cross to pay the price for our sins. You gave your own son for us to prove your love. All you ask is for us to give back a small percentage of that love, to receive the gifts you have for us and to share that love with others. We had planned to take a large chain and throw it in the lake today. It was the chain Lord that satan used to try to take Tylers life. But is is also the symbolism of the chains that we allow to keep us from receiving all your glory! We all have chains that seem to keep holding us back. We want to remember that on this day, Jesus rose from the dead just as you had planned and promised so long ago. He rose to free us from our chains and to receive the promise of everlasting life. He came so that we would have life and have it abundantly. So forgive us now, each and everyone of us, of our sins. Free us of guilt, resentment, hatred, impatience, anger, selfishness and sorrow. Let us receive your gifts of peace, love, joy, patience, thoughtfulness, and most of all HOPE. Help us to be worthy of your love and to know how to feel your presence is all situations. You placed your Son at your right side in Heaven as our spokesperson. You give all things to us through him. Thank you for the authority of life that you have given us in his name. Thank you for lifting our chains! These things we pray in the name of your precious son Jesus, AMEN
2007 Tyler lost his good friend Amanda Granlund to DWI. The reflection and poem for her are on Page 4! She was a friend since elementary school, a girlfriend and a best friend who came to see him ALL the time after his injury! She was a wonderful person...full of life and love!
July 7, 2006
In memory of Wes Isam, a close friend to Tyler and Kyle
I have survived another session of devastation! Although I didnt think I had it in me, God continues to guide us. Kyle, on the other hand, needs your continued prayers. He was with his friend Wes when Wes died from taking too much Xanax. The official report is not in yet, but this and maybe other substances probably caused his heart to stop or his body to shut down. Xanax is very dangerous!!! and used without care ALL THE TIME by kids these days. I'll save my lecture for a new page Im going to create later, but if kids are reading this take note....Xanax immediately effects your brain from reasoning and thinking about whether something is good or bad.(its prescription for anxiety thus keeping you from worrying) So when you take too much you will not be able to "decide" and WHATEVER you think of will seem to be a good idea. You can only imagine the kind of things that happen. Kyle and Wes had been hanging out the 3 days before, going to the lake and playing volleyball during the days. He woke up on that Wed. not knowing where all the pills were he had the night before,not realizing he had probably taken them. Exactly what happened isnt sure, but he took a shower and then laid back down. He was joking and talking one minute and then they found him already dead the next. I was going to write how all this has effected us, but I was on 5 pages and not even to the funeral yet, so that may be some other time. There had been a time when wes could be found at our house on any fri/sat nite when the boys were in school. Kyles been so busy with school & work, he was enjoying having Wes back in town and someone to go places with again. To have him die right in front of him has been devastating. There was no reasoning with him about anything and all his anguish with life, about tyler & about losing his other friend Jeremy last summer seemed to be more than he could stand. Although Kyle has given up pills and weed in the last few yrs, he has overcompensated for it with drinking. It is horrible to see your child in emotional pain and not be able to do anything but just "be there" with him. He had to be on 24 hr watch until the funeral and that was far from easy. The above daily reflection was God's message the day of the funeral. I took Tyler and a great picture that I had found of Tyler and Wes when they double dated to a school dance. Both so handsome in their tuxes and full of life. My sister put text on the pic for me that said "Enough is enough, Please Stop! for US". Kyle wheeled his brother into the viewing room and placed the picture in the casket. I'm crying now just thinking of it, of the extreme pain all the friends were going thru, and how senseless is his death and what will make all these kids wake up. Kyle seems to be handling it better, but its not the "turn around" I will still pray for. It was good for tyler to see all his friends there and maybe good for his friends to see tyler and the pic of tyler and wes together. Maybe they will realize life is too precious to take so many reckless chances with it and that the recklessness DOES catch up with you one way or the other, its not IF, but WHEN and HOW?
March 11, 2006
Some people never know when one part of their life ends and another begins...my transition (or leap) into the second part of my life is happening now. ALL major events that cause change are currently in progress. I guess its better to get it all over with and move on. The list....elderly parent (last one left) in hospital/reality of her needs in next few yrs, oldest child getting married, middle child graduating from college/moving out of home for 1st time, youngest child needing constant care/constant need for dr appts and therapies, financial change/medical needs, major downsizing, selling house which is much too "everything" for just 3 people with different life needs now, finding a new place perfect for our future needs and basically standing in the crossroads saying "where do we go from here"??? Actually, amazingly, God seems to be taking every road block and turning it into a pathway. I just try to follow as it all plays out in front of me.
What will we do? My mothers condition seems to be calling us to move closer to her to help my sister with her care.(east tx/lake fork area). So I guess I'll be country folk for awhile.
Dec 5, 2005
TWO YRS AGO TODAY!! How could 2 yrs have gone by?? but they have. I tried to ignore the fact, but at Church they said something about it during the service. I could hold back the tears if no one spoke to me, but they didn't. I was there to do the angel tree for needy children as I have done for 20 yrs and thinking about something else is what helps me survive. I appreciate everyones well wishes and prayers. It's when reality looks me right in the face and I cant pretend everything is just fine, its then that I think of how loving and caring everyone is. The support of family and friends is so important and we really couldnt be going thru this without you. You can scroll down to "one yr ago today dec 2004 and the same thoughts will be crossing my mind. I am really thinking more about how can we go forward and not about what WAS. My goals now are, "how can I free tyler from the body he has trapped himself inside of?" I know he's in there and still dont believe that God will leave him this way forever. I know God has a purpose for my family and for tyler. But our prayer requests are all tangled together and one event causes another to occur. I dont feel tyler will have a complete recovery as I once thought, but I do still believe in miracles. I still believe that tyler will figure out a way to communicate. I still feel that God is working on some ultimate plan and its just taking longer than we wished. You know me, I have to think about the "reason" for everything and am always tring to figure out "why something has happened?" and what I should be doing or not doing. Maybe that alone is Gods lesson...Quit analyzing...It just IS! But I cant stop, and my other theory as to why we are here is that Satin has waged battle upon us. Dont laugh!! The God calling for Dec 6 told me to "expect it". Reflecting on two yrs ago today...Tyler was NEW in his relationship with God, he really had only come to understand him personally within the last month. Even though we have always been a religious family, I had let tyler talk me out of making him go to Sunday School (bad decision on my behalf) and Tyler had really been more amused with the dark side of things. He seemed to like things that drive a parent crazy.... knives, fire, death, gore and anything totally bizare. His favorite movie was Chucky (the killer doll, need I say more) (My payback now is that I make him watch cartoons and movies like Chitty chitty bang bang). But in October of 2003, Tyler was learning in AA how things need to be given to a higher power(12 Steps). At Imagine the outpatient rehab program he was in had prepared him for his "vision quest". This is a campout that once a kid is ready, they go to spend the night in the woods, alone with God. They are sent to a site upon a hill and they stake off a square where they spend the nite praying to God and ridding themselves of all that is negative and focus on going forward with the positive. They can hear at a campfire down below all the other kids keeping a drumbeat going for them to let them know they are also praying and supporting them. When they come down the next morning they are given an Indian name and tyler was Laughing Coyote. It seemed appropriate because Tyler always had this big smile on his face even when he was suppose to be serious. Part of that ceremony was that he would come down from the hill and walk thru us in a somber manner as we beat drums and rattles for him. He was uncontrollably smiling from ear to ear. The Coyote part came from him screaming out several times during that nite as a way to release what was inside of him. I like the name..he was like a wild animal that just wanted to be happy. My point to this story is that Tyler was experiencing this spiritual thing with God now and then on Thanksgiving he had told God that he would give up smoking cigarettes for 2 weeks to show his gratitude for helping him stay clean for 5 months. I am sure that Satin didnt like loosing Tyler and knowing what influence he would have on other drug users, I have no doubt it was Satin that filled his head in the moment he made his decision to end his life. I realize too that his brain was also imbalanced from not smoking and his prior drug use, and Satin knew he was very weak. God has a way though of using bad for good and Satin hates that too. God has brought us and all his friends closer to him, but the Battle is strong as we continue to face faith testing circumstances constantly. In only 2 yrs we have lost 2 parents, all our money, 3 family dogs, a friend of the boys died in a fire, and there are so many of tyler and kyles friends that have faced very painful life situations. But...God is still one step ahead in this battle and for each closed door, he opens a window! My final thought is that WE WILL STAY STONG AND WIN THIS BATTLE. GOD IS OUR FORTRESS AND THEREFORE NOTHING CAN PENETRATE US!!! so bring on Year 3..........
August 20, 2005
There is new reflection on PAGE 4 and also a new link to TYLERS BATTLE which is my theory of what happened!
July 7, 2005
TYLER'S TWO YR SOBRIETY DATE!! I was going to reflect on the one yr mark last July, but couldn't sort out all my thoughts associiated with it, so I never did. I still have floods of feelings. At what price sobriety?? How can our children be safe? Happy? content with life? How do we survive and cope? When people pray for God's help, how do the hear what he has to say? what avenues does God use to speak to us? How does it feel if you thought that you alone, were the only person in control of your life and basically you couldn't control it? See..still too many thoughts! Pull up a chair and I'll start with the morn of July 7, 2003 when our life took another curve in a new direction. ( Just one of the many "1st days of the rest of my life".
I woke up that morning after laying with tyler all night through a bad drug trip. Relieved to know he was alive, yet horrified that the next bad decision would be fatal. I knew something had to be done, but was completely lost on how to help him. We had been through counseling, psychatrist, different types of schools, A.D.D. meds, depressants and only 6 months ago we had sent him away for 2 months of inpatient rehab and he'd finished the 2 months of outpatient that followed that. But yet we knew that the sweet child that still at 15 gave us kisses and hugs and strived to be happy, still did not have control of his life. The battle to keep him clean had been getting harder and harder since summer had started and as a parent I knew things were getting worse,but didnt really want to face it. Deep down we knew he was not totally committed to It, but still hoped we could somehow at least keep things in control. Its 4th of July weekend and the last couple of weekends with his friends had been battles,so I think I'll take him down to the lake to shoot fireworks at my moms for a change of pace. Little did I know he'd brought a little something to enhance the firework display. Apparently he had taken something and it seemed to have no effect, so he took another. The result left him sweating, having no
idea where he was and basically in a paranoid catatonic state. He had a fear in his eyes I will never forget and his body wringed as if he was being torn from the inside. (later after his suicide attempt I saw his body behave the same way to the dead brain cells). I layed beside him all night tring to keep him calm and safe from hurting himself or doing something crazy. When morning came I knew that if he would try something so dangerous, that he would try anything and that scared me beyond words. They had told us if he relapsed to bring him straight back to rehab. I was so torn, not really wanting to admit that recovery for him had failed, not wanting to go thru the whole rehab thing again, and thinking if it didnt work the first time, why would it work the second. The most important part of this story is what happened when I prayed. I sat on the porch of my moms house, crying, asking God how can I take him
back to rehab?? She brought me out the God Calling, a book we used to really only look at when something big was happening cause it seemed that God always spoke directly to us in the message. This time was no different and it is the answer that God gave me that I have hung on to for the past 2 yrs.
God Calling July 7th, 2003
Painfull Preparation
Help and peace and joy are here. Your courage will be rewarded. Painful as this time is you will both one day see the reason of it, and see too that it was not
cruel testing, but tender preparation for the wonderful life-work you both are to do. Try to realize that your own prayers are being most wonderfully answered. Answered in a way that seems painful to you, but that just now is the only
way. I know you will see this had to be!
How could I ask for a more clear response? Anyway I knew that God was in charge and I wasn't, so my sister helped me trick him into the car thinking we were going somewhere else and I took
him straight back to Sundown Ranch in Canton. It was hard the lst time and REALLY hard the 2nd time. But I was ok with the whole thing knowing its just part of what needs to be done to get the results I have prayed for. Three months later Tyler came out a new person. This time truely committed to not wanting to go back on drugs. He was willing to do whatever it would take, months of outpatient therapy and AA meetings on every free nite. Tyler had changed but what hadnt changed was LIFE. It was still hard, full of disappointments and frustrations. And now he had nothing to make any of the bad stuff temporarily go away. By escaping to drugs, he had never learnt the valuable lessons of struggling through a problem. Time to face it, but he didnt have the skills. Recovery is all about "just saying NO" but HOW does one do that? Well the rest is history, you know that Tyler only made it 5 months after that and felt like the only way he could stay off drugs was to end his life. And of course, his brain chemicals and depression levels were still messed up from the prior drug use and still cycling in 30 day intervals. Again I wonder, is this too part of God saying to me "Im still working on keeping your child safe". Tyler has not abused drugs for 2 yrs, but at what price victory? Would he had made it otherwise? I dont see how he could have. There has to be some other replacement in their lives. Something else to be passionate about and committed to. So many bad things have happened in the last yr and 1/2, things that are true faith testing, I know life would have been really hard for him. Is this the only way? The only thing that keeps me going is the strong belief that God has something in store for us. This is not it!!!! This Is only the painful preparation!
April 16, 2005
This has been a tragic week! Not for Tyler, he lies in bed unaware of the trouble in the world around him, perhaps God's way of keeping him in peace. But the rest of us are crying out for help. Today we buried Kyle's good friend, Jeremy Hixson. Thurs nite his house caught on fire and 3 got out but he didn't make it. He and his dog Rusty died inside. He came to our house nearly every day and that group of kids were either always here or at Jeremys house. Its so hard for kids to lose a friend! They gather in front of his burnt house to share their grief. Please pray for Kyle and his friends to be strong! God is really turning our lives upside down, but I feel it's because he loves us and wants us to draw close to Him so he can fullfill us with his power. Around 300 or more showed up for the funeral. The minister made a good point, he said that Jeremy some time ago had accepted Christ and now it was time for his friends to "get R done" too. (that was the slogan on the back of Jeremys truck).
I HAVE WRITTEN A POEM TO REFLECT THE FEELINGS OF THE KIDS. GO TO PAGE 4 If you are someone who has not found Christ and need him now more than ever......go to page 3 and copy the Need Him link into your browser. The poem was copied & passed out at the funeral on "footprints" paper that Kyle picked out and I thought that was very appropriate. If youre familiar with that poem, it states that you can see footsteps where god walks beside you and when times are the toughest, if you only see one set..thats when God is carring you. Well..my feet have not touched the ground for over a year now. I'm hoping that maybe I'm getting heavy and life will ease up. When I asked Bob "when will all this stop"? He replied, "never" things are always going to happen, thats how life is!
And then On wednesday of this week, Tylers friend thru middleschool and rehab, Michelle, lost her baby girl after only 4 weeks. I pray that all this evil can be turned to good. there is much to gain from seeking out the positive of every bad situation. Suffering is our way of learning empathy and gaining experience that we can share with others. As we console each other we learn about love and caring. As we feel helpless, we can turn to God to allow him to guide our way.
Easter 2005
Easter is such a wonderful celebration. Its just so powerful to think how much God loves us. I think of the movie, passion of the Christ, and I can't believe the sacrifice that was made by Jesus to fullfill the prophesy of our salvation. I often feel the price of freedom is too high. Why does suffering seem to be a prerequisit to our spiritual and physical freedom. God said "it is done", all is given to us. Then why do we sometimes have such a hard time receiving it? Why doesn't all that is good just shower us all the time? I want that in my life, I want it desparately. I want MY miracles! Yet it seems the harder I try, the more obstacles get in my way. I have truely come to believe that the closer I get to God, the harder Satan trys to interfere. I believe that the forces of good and evil are very strong in todays world. That is why there is only one solution....We MUST STAY FOCUSED ON THE CROSS and what that truely means. Jesus has already paid the price for our sins and there is NOTHING that should keep us away from God. God has given us Authority of all things through Jesus Christ.
I had visions of a wonderful spiritual Easter event, but like Christmas, it became like pulling a tooth to try to pull it off. My sister had come up with this moving idea that we would have an outside ceremony/sermon down by the lake. It seems she found the large chain that she removed from our barn so that we would never have to see it again. We were going to throw it in the lake to show satan that he has no holds on us and to symbolize that it is the Easter celebration that "lifts the chains that bind us". But the weather foiled our outdoor plans. Our ceremony came down to a single prayer that I said before we ate. I will share that here....
Dear Lord, we come to you today to say Thank You for the great sacrifice you made for us. Your son, tortured and bleeding, died on the cross to pay the price for our sins. You gave your own son for us to prove your love. All you ask is for us to give back a small percentage of that love, to receive the gifts you have for us and to share that love with others. We had planned to take a large chain and throw it in the lake today. It was the chain Lord that satan used to try to take Tylers life. But is is also the symbolism of the chains that we allow to keep us from receiving all your glory! We all have chains that seem to keep holding us back. We want to remember that on this day, Jesus rose from the dead just as you had planned and promised so long ago. He rose to free us from our chains and to receive the promise of everlasting life. He came so that we would have life and have it abundantly. So forgive us now, each and everyone of us, of our sins. Free us of guilt, resentment, hatred, impatience, anger, selfishness and sorrow. Let us receive your gifts of peace, love, joy, patience, thoughtfulness, and most of all HOPE. Help us to be worthy of your love and to know how to feel your presence is all situations. You placed your Son at your right side in Heaven as our spokesperson. You give all things to us through him. Thank you for the authority of life that you have given us in his name. Thank you for lifting our chains! These things we pray in the name of your precious son Jesus, AMEN.
Feb 20, 2005
GO TO NEW PHOTOS TO SEE ALL HIS BIRTHDAY FUN!!!!
Dec 28 2004
After one yr of injury here is his state of progression and regression.
He is more alert than ever, moving his head and watching with his eyes. He moans different sounds, can open and close his mouth, pucker his lips, stick out his tongue and is starting to move his tongue around more in his mouth. His arms are held bent up to his body, but can be opened to only 90 degree. His fist are held tight, but can be opened to a cupped position. None of his splints/ casts that were made after his arms and hands were stretched out fit anymore. They are too tight after he gained weight and his muscles wont open that much anymore. His braces for his feet also do not fit and one is broken. His right foot turns out, but can be stretched into straight and flat position. We can no longer use the standing frame because his left leg is stuck in bent up postition. It hardly will open to 90 degrees and when he sits in his chair he wont open it enought to rest on the foot holder. He does sit on the side of the bed with assistance and holds his body up straight. He can hold his head up for a long time. He can relax his arms while sitting to 90 degrees. He can stretch while lying down by pulling up his head, upper body and legs. We have no constistant form of communication. Inconsistantly he will look at yes/no cards, he cant move his fingers and his thumb is moving less. He responds by sticking out his tongue or moaning or with the look in his eyes. He desparately needs more constant intervention and therapy. He goes to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he will take an active role in scheduling more therapy and doing botox for his tight muscles. All in all his strength and alertness seem to be more but his abilities seem to be less.
December 5, 2004
ONE YEAR AGO TODAY!!! I did not know on that day that our lives would never ever be the same. We chose to celebrate today, to celebrate life, to celebrate our new intimacy with God. All my family and some friends came to Church with us and at the end of the service, Bob, Me and Tyler and my Sister went forward to redidicate our lives to God. eventhough Tyler could not answer God heard him and knows what is in his heart. I felt it was the only appropriate way to remember and to thank God for taking tyler into his care and getting us through this year. its unbelieveable how many things have happened to us this yr! Each of us has had to reevaluate our lives, the way we live, the way we think and the way we act. I look forward to a new journey in the second part of my life. I have new purpose! New goals!
Actually, I am only able to be so happy today is because I did all my crying last week. I tried to relive in my mind what tyler was really dealing with that week after Thanksgiving. His first struggles started with the fact that on thanksgiving he promised God to give up cigarettes for 2 weeks to show God his thankfullness for keeping him clean 5 months. Anyone with nicotine addiction knows how hard that must have been and what his body must have been going thru. He was constantly braiding rope bracelets to keep his hands busy and every day I couldnt believe he had really gone 1 more day without smoking. He was tring to also prepare for his outpatient graduation with would be a big ceremony at the end of the week. Problem was, he had lost his books of alot of the work he had already done, so this would need to be redone along with finishing the 12 steps with his AA sponsor. The main part involved a moral inventory....a look at all you had done in your life, good and bad, and who had you affected and in what ways and how could you change. This is a real soulsearching experience! He also would have to tell his group what he would do to stay on track and have created a relapse prevention plan. I realize now that what that really meant was tyler would have to choose the road of a recovering addict and give up the hope of being a normal teenage. It meant No relationships and No old friends and these were the things that were the most important to tyler. It meant never going to a party or hanging out with school friends because those could trigger a relapse. I am an adult, not an emotionally immature child, and I would have trouble facing such raw realities. It was an emotional up and down week and he tried to get it all done and was still tring to not smoke. So on Friday of last week I relived every detail of the friday after thanksgiving the yr before. I was out running errands and realized the previous yr I was doing the same. Looking for indian ceremonial stuff to give as gifts at the graduation. But that nite as we went around the room, I mentioned how happy I was that tyler was graduating. They quickly pulled us aside and said they thought we understood that tyler was not ready after losing his papers and it would need to be the following friday. Bob was furious at the counselor for not being clear and tyler was disappointed but we went in and completed the meeting. tyler came out and immediately set up to see his sponsor on Sunday and planned to be taken back that nite to Plano to attend the 11pm AA meeting. Every minute thereafter replayed in my head this past friday. I went to the store and realized it was 9pm as I headed back home, the same time we would arrive home a yr ago. This time I went in immediately to tylers bedside and cried and held him and could not leave him for the next hr. Thinking how i wish I had been there to hold his hand at the point when he felt so low. Was it the moment he gave in and smoked to deal with the frustration that had just occured. did he think he had disappointed God for not keeping his promise? Was he disappointed in himself or did he just not like what the future was holding for him? what was he thinking in the 15 minutes after we got home. 15 MINUTES! and his life would be changed forever. Did he have any control over his thoughts or was his body cycling thru its depressed chemical low? I may never know the answers. On saturday I thought about how a yr ago we were waiting at the hospital fighting for his life. Would I donate his organs? The memory of not knowing if he would live or die was just too much. I had to start thinking about how glad we were that he is now alive. That we ARE OK after a yr of living thru this. By the evening I was all ready to get thru the "anniversary day". The milestone is acomplished. Praise God!